Here is a list of things that you will learn about life if you read this blog.

Take note people, these things are important!

1. If you have sex with a midget, it WILL stalk you.

2. If you let a DJ go down on you, you will catch VD because they are too poor to pay for dental insurance.

3. If there is something on a man’s junk that looks like a wart, IT IS A WART! No matter what he says.

4. Turkeys make horrible pets.

5. Never date a man who sings children’s songs.

6. Never trust a bisexual.

7. Men who dress up like clowns fart in elevators and will take any chance they get to hot box you in one.

8. If you are going out to get drunk, take a designated driver so you don’t end up knocking out a waitress.

9. Pot belly pigs make horrible pets. As do monkeys, dogs, cockroaches and most other species.

10. If you are in the shower and your boyfriend has to poop, VACATE the shower immediately!

11. Hide your tampon strings from your cat or you will be woken up very rudely!

12. Twenty year olds can hump for HOURS!

14. Streaking can land you in jail.

15. Best friends may use sex tapes for blackmail.

16. Too much garlic consumption on a date can affect your social life for years.

17. Going to town with inanimate objects can lead to UTI.

18. If a man paints your portrait with his penis it may just be realistic enough to insult your neighbors.

19. Vegetarian friends may accidentally eat oysters if they happen to be at the bottom of a vodka bottle.

20. Green fuzzy shoes make good weapons.

21. Never poop in the ocean.

22. Men are capable of pulling their thing out and whacking it almost ANYWHERE!

23. Never forget you are wearing a tampon.

24. “Lactation Olympics” is a REAL sport.

25. Never go down on a man after he takes it out of your butt.

26. If you pee in someone’s car, look out for possible poles when making your get-a-way!

27. Don’t pick a fight with a person twice your size.

28. Rockabillys ARE stupid.

29. Don’t jump fences, just…don’t!

30. Never go to a male strip club while SOBER!

I’m sure that there are many, many more lessons to be learned from me. Maybe some of you can add to my list through the comments!

20 thoughts on “Asterisk’s Words of Wisdom

  1. I assume your “words of wisdom” are for healthy, young whatevers and not for worn out old men. Anyway, this old man wants to thank you for liking my post, “River Congo – Excerpt 33” on writingiam.wordpress.com. Thanks again and Aloha – pjs.

  2. One question: Since you did the research, and I am sure that it was expensive doing this research, did you take a tax deduction. If not, you should. Oh, and thanks for the advice about turkey’s not working out as pets. I was thanking getting one for Thanksgiving.

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